my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
