Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
