I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
