sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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