you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
This house was built for laser tag.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
