i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
