The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
