I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
