My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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