onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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