I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
