if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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