And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
