Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
