Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
