does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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