She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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