My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
