i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
