That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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