cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
