Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
