I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
