apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
