Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
