fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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