Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
This show inspires me to have sex in space
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
