no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
