My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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