I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
