I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
