Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
i now understand why vodka
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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