At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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