we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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