dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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