you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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