when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
