this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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