Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He told me they were just razor bumps!
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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