Christians are straight up FREAKS
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
