In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
