my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
