All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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