So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
