This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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