I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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