Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
