i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
