Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
