No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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