but the lizard people decide everything anyway
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
