Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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