When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
