just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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