guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
