cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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