you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
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