apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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