How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Cover your peen. We're going out.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
